The Bachelor Creep

Piles.

If there was one word I could use to describe my perception of the life of the bachelor, it would have to be “piles.”  Most of the bachelors I have known in my life, whether past or present, have operated the “pile” method of organization in one form or another.  Myself included.  These could be piles of anything: clothes, papers, dishes, food, you name it, there was probably a pile for it somewhere or another in that bachelor’s pad.  Ladies, don’t let the clean and tidy apartment/home fool you.  Remember, before you are tra….er…married he is still trying to impress you.  Men already know that most women are cleaner than they are and that a dirty apartment is a major turn off.  The beauty of the pile system is that piles are portable.  You just pick-up the pile and move it to a place that can’t be seen. Or you just throw it out.

The beauty of the “pile method” of organization can not be overstated.  While it looks like a complete mess, the user of the pile method is usually able to find what he is looking for 87.7% of the time and usually rather quickly too.  That’s because the pile method, while it looks like a haphazard throwing together of random items, is actually pretty complex.  Done right, piles are usually not a tossing together of random items.  Generally they are organized by themes.  Themes like clothing, food, important papers, not so important papers, papers to throw away but I’ll get to it later, etc.  The advanced user of the pile method will also incorporate the geographical location of each pile to help with his sorting as well.  Pile of clothes by the bed? Wear later.  Pile of clothes next to the washing machine?  Sort.  Pile of clothes on top of the washing machine? WASH NOW!  What? Why wouldn’t you immediately wash the clothes next to the washing machine too?  Well, because you usually also implement the other pile method technique that bachelors will refer to as the “smell test.”  The smell test is used to help bachelors in determining whether or not a particular item of clothing can be re-worn again, or if a food item is still edible or not.  This technique, however, is not to be used on it own.  It MUST be used in collaboration with the thematic piling and geographic sorting.  The danger of the smell technique is when said bachelor never leaves his home and becomes accustomed to all the smells.  Very dangerous.

Anyways, why am I writing about the bachelor lifestyle?  Well, as you might have guessed, with my wife now being deployed it seems as if the bachelor is slowly trying to creep back.  Quick word here, my wife will probably not enjoy this post as much so appreciate the fact that I take much risk to bring this to you.  So yeah, it seems as though the bachelor is trying to make a come back now that my wife is gone.  The first sign of this is the piles.  Yes… piles…not pile.  It started out small at first.  On my side of the bed there is a perennial pile of clothing.  It’s always been a small pile and one of the few things that really chaps my wife’s behind when she sees it.  I know it has really gotten on her nerves when I come into the bedroom at night and see that the pile has been moved from the floor and onto the bed.  I’m not foolish enough to attempt to move said pile back onto the floor again because I’m tired.  Oh no.  My wife doesn’t even have to say a word.  That pile on the bed means, you’re not getting into this bed until you put your clothes away buddy.  As with the clothes, my wife has generally been the control over all my little piles.  Hey, it’s kind of hard to overcome 30 years of bachelor conditioning.  Ok…31.   So now that my wife is in Iraq, that control is gone and I found myself faced with piles again.  That pile by my bed had somehow grown and creeped its way around the bedroom.  Most of it was clean!  I just hadn’t gotten around to folding the laundry yet.  There was a pile of dishes in the sink, a pile of documents on my desk, and a pile of toys in the living room.  Not good.  At least, for the most part, I had contained my piles to the areas that I frequented and kept my daughter out of.  Not that it made okay.  Alright Honey, you can unfold your arms and un-purse your lips now.  I took care of the piles and “no” not in the way a bachelor would .  I really took care of them.

The thing I realized is that I stopped being a bachelor about 4 years ago and now that I have a daughter I REALLY can’t go back.  The problem is that the bachelor lifestyle is just really easy and at times can be really appealing.  It’s like those TV shows where you have a little devil on one shoulder and a little angel on the other arguing over your decisions.  In my case I’ve got a little bachelor on one shoulder and a responsible family man on the other.  Responsible family man is usually backed up by my wife but now that his back-up is temporarily gone he’s on his own for awhile.  So honey, if you come back and see a little pile of clothes (LITTLE) by the bed, or chrome and black pleather couches where our furniture used to be, or an extra gadget or 50, just remember that the responsible family man put up the best fight he could.  He really did! Really.  What?

YEAH BABY! Now that’s what I’m talkin’ bout!