Before I get started I am going to apologize in advance for what I believe will be a melodramatic and overly sentimental post. You see, I don’t see myself as a sentimental guy, well, at least not in public. I’m the kind of guy that will pick a brainless, rock’em, sock’em sci-fi movie over a drama/chick flick any day of the week. My wife already knows to expect one guy movie for every chick flick that comes in our Netflix delivery (okay..maybe two). She also knows to not expect me to watch said chick flick with her (fair play also dictates that I do not subject her to my guy movies either!). Give me Michael Bay’s Transformers and you can have The Notebook, thank-you very much.
The thing is, lately I’ve been feeling more Notebookish than Transformersy. I don’t like it but I have a very good reason for it. You see, my wife was deployed to Iraq on Friday January 1, 2010. Some New Years eh?
This is our first deployment. We knew it was coming and we knew to expect it. It’s a fact of life for every member of this military community and something that all military families eventually have to deal with. I just didn’t expect it to hit me so hard. All the while leading up to deployment I was focused on reassuring my wife to not worry about the home front. We made plans and arrangements so that I would be able to effectively care for our 17 month old daughter. We invested in technology so that we would be able to communicate effectively. I was so focused on doing whatever I could to help ease the pain of separation for my wife and my daughter that I forgot to think about how I would cope. I mean, c’mon, I’m a guy. I can handle it right? Well, sorta.
In terms of the daily stuff of managing the home and caring for the baby, well, I feel that I have a pretty good handle of things so far. I have a regular full-time career so the baby already goes to a day care during the day. Her routine won’t be changed too much. We’ve hired a house-keeper to come every other week to help with the home so it’s not a bio-hazard by the time my wife comes home. I was already doing most of the cooking so that shouldn’t change so much either. So in terms of the day to day logistical stuff, I think I’ve got it pretty well covered. What I didn’t account for was my emotional response and how much my wife leaving would impact me. She’s so much a part of my life and a part of me that watching that part of me in the form of a pretty, petite blonde dressed in BDUs and fly 7000 miles away on a plane felt like having a pound of flesh ripped from my body. It literally, physically caused me pain.
Now, I’m not writing this to cause guilt to my wife (who reads this) but rather to express just how much I love her and how much she is a part of me and why I’m feeling the way I am. Lord knows she’s just as upset about being away from her family as we are. But since that Friday morning when she left nothing has seemed right. There is a void in our lives where she should be. She’s not sitting next to me in the car when I’m driving. She’s not on the couch in the living at home when we’re spending time together as a family. She’s no longer lying next to me in bed at night (where her feet of ice can get me). Her laughter, her smile, her annoyance at my “guy habits,” I could go on and on. The void is tangible and to me it’s only an illustration of how much I love her and how much she is my true companion in life. You could say that I get The Notebook now. She’s the love of my life and I would give it all up to be with her and it kills me that I can’t be there with her.
I’m still not watching those movies though.
See, I told you this was going to be a melodramatic, overly sentimental post. The thing is, I think I needed the catharsis. I’d been having intermittent spells of blubbering like a little girl all weekend and I think I’ve finally let it all out. Things are getting better now (not easier, just better able to function) but I still miss my wife terribly and can’t wait for her to get home.
So…I guess it’s time for the first tip of the Air Force Husband’s Handbook.
Tip: When you and your wife are preparing for her deployment, it’s easy to get into guy mode and play the “rock” for your wife and family, as you should. But don’t forget to look in yourself and prepare yourself for the separation. You just might find yourself watching The Notebook if your not prepared.
“Everyone who comes to Me and hears My words and acts on them, I will show you whom he is like: he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid a foundation on the rock; and when a flood occurred, the torrent burst against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built.”
Luke 6:47 & 48
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